Happy Father’s Day! Reflections on Judith Rich Harris and parental influence….

With Father’s Day arriving this Sunday, I thought it was a good time to reflect on the value of fathers I know.

In spite of Judith Rich Harris’ hypothesis that parents really don’t matter other than their contribution of a few genes, my own father had an enormous influence on me, and it’s easy to see how my husband, in his turn, has played a huge role in the lives of our three daughters.

My personal view of Harris’ conclusion is that what she is looking at is the overall abdication of the parental role by large numbers of boomer parents. Just because parents do not choose to exert an influence does not mean that they are unable to do so. The parenting advice given to my generation was heavily influenced by the Humanists–stand back, give the kiddies room to “be,” never use the word “no,” be your child’s “best friend,” and supply unconditional love even when they put the cat in the microwave. Those of us who were a little more “old-fashioned” in our approach were in the minority, and often took flak for being “authoritarian.” The irony is that many people come up to us and tell us how “lucky” we are that our children turned out so well. Harris would agree. Sure, luck is all that matters if you aren’t doing anything.

My guess is that if Harris put traditional parents under more of a microscope, she would see more parental influence on child outcomes. Because we’re in the minority, our data will get washed out by the more typical “hands off” parents.

Off the soapbox and back to Dads. My father passed away in 1986, and I still feel like I should be able to call him on the phone and hear him say, “Well, this is a surprise” when he knows good and well that I called him very regularly. My childhood memories include many episodes in which I followed Daddy around while he worked in our yard or fixed things in the house, pestering him with my many questions. I remember his pleasure at hearing I had been admitted into Phi Beta Kappa, and his true joy while watching his granddaughters. Most of all, I hear the echo in my head of his favorite mantra, “There’s this little thing called responsibility.”

So Judith, did my Dad influence me? Not only me, but other people I knew. One of my childhood friends, of whom I lost track until a high school reunion, astonished me by announcing that she had completed a Masters degree in Political Science. I’m afraid my surprise showed in my face–Pam was not a likely scholar. When she noticed my reaction, she laughed and said, “What do you expect? I sat around your dinner table so many times hearing your father say that getting a good education was the most important thing a young person could do, that graduate school was the minimum standard, and that Political Science was a good general field of study. It just seemed like I had to do it.” When I told my dad about Pam’s comment, his response was “Good–at least somebody was listening.” (We’re not exactly an uneducated bunch–one sister is a social worker, another a researcher for the UN, and my little brother is an executive producer of a network news program).

My own husband, whose athletic endeavors included a stint with the LA Rams, suddenly found himself surrounded by three little girls. He sat down and played My Little Ponies, although he confessed frustration with being required to memorize all of their names. Still, he definitely put his own twist on things. A favorite game was called “Smash the Daddy.” In case this is unfamiliar to you, here’s how to play. You teach your daughter proper tackling technique, get on your knees, and then she is to knock you over in order to knock down the block tower you are defending. Roger’s philosophy is that women are happiest when they understand the world of men, so the girls are avid videogamers who know how to shoot and fish. They relate that it is VERY important to be careful about discussing their knowledge of football, prowess at Mortal Kombat, and competency with computers–apparently, such interests serve as major aphrodisiacs and must be managed accordingly. This is not to say that they don’t like “girly” things. Roger is also an excellent chef, and the girls learned most of their cooking skills from him, not me. Roger’s background in consumer marketing makes him quite the resource when it comes to discussions of fashion and perfume.

I know the pitfalls of anecdotal evidence, but to assume parents have no impact on children’s outcomes also seems to fly in the face of a large literature about the impact of father absence on daughters’ promiscuity and the protective benefits of close family interactions, indicated by the frequency of family dinners, on substance abuse and other negative outcomes. Although economics certainly play a role in college attendance, the fact that overwhelming numbers of students in elite universities were raised by two biological parents says something about growing up that isn’t just genetic.

So to all the dads out there, keep up the good work! And in spite of Harris, think about this: If you let the “village” raise your child, it’s very likely you’ll end up with the village idiot. If you want another outcome for your family, be prepared to stay involved.