It has been a longstanding truism in evolutionary psychology that because of the different investments men and women have in reproduction that the best strategy for men is to be relatively promiscuous and the best strategy for women is to be choosy. That still may be the case, but Eli Finkel and Paul Eastwick of Northwestern University have added a new wrinkle [1]. They asked whether “a confound as trivial as which sex romantically approaches the other” contributes to sex differences in romantic selectivity.
Are Women Really More Selective Speed-daters?
To pursue their hypothesis, Finkel and Eastwick set up a lot of speed dating events for undergraduate students and varied the roles of “sitter” and “rotator” between men and women. Sure enough, when women were the ones approaching men, they seemed much less selective than when they were the approachees.
These results raise interesting follow-up questions. In our current social environment, women are often encouraged to take the lead and ask men out. What effect does this have on their selectivity? Are women who are more old-fashioned and less inclined to do the asking more choosy?
1. Finkel, E. J., & Eastwick, P. W. (2009). Arbitrary social norms influence sex differences in romantic selectivity. Psychological Science, epub ahead of print.
9 Comments
khoffert · September 30, 2009 at 10:05 pm
It takes a lot to work up the nerve to approach someone. When you are being approached by guys, it is generally a matter of choosing the one you like best. When the tables are turned, however, the selection is a lot more complicated. You need to find a guy who is not intimidating, who seems to be a lower risk of turning you down. It gives the guy a lot of power, which is hard. It is not surprising that pickiness is sacrificed to fear of rejection.
I personally prefer being approached by a guy. I like to know what kind of guys are interested and I feel like it says a lot about the guy’s character if he is able to approach me and ask me out. I am old-fashioned in most aspects of a relationship and if the guy cannot take the first step then I take it as a sign that the rest of the relationship will depend on my own initiative, which is not something I want. A lot of girls have different views though, and everyone has their own way of going about things. I know plenty of girls who prefer to make the first move. I am just not one of them.
britabookser · October 6, 2009 at 10:47 am
When what we understand to be evolutionarily traditional gender roles in the courting situation are reversed, I think (especially from an evolutionary standpoint) females have a lot more to risk than do males. Usually, when a male courts a female, she has the opportunity to assess his genetic worthiness (on a conscious level, or not) in the passing of his traits to future offspring. As Finkel and Eastwick’s study found, this pickiness in choosing a mate is virtually lost when these roles are switched. Perhaps the behavioral tendencies in males that may correlate them somewhere in the alpha, beta, or omega hierarchy become harder for a female to consciously discern between, thus giving her more ease in making an approach.
I think that more selective, “old-fashioned” women who are less inclined to ask men out are actually preserving their hardwired, ancestral goal of genetic success in their offspring. And today, with this kind of evolving, hybrid courting style where many women are beginning to approach men in search of a relationship, we may see a leveling-out of the playing field. Perhaps men will no longer fit into the alpha, beta, omega classifications, something I would think to be beneficial for their own evolutionary inclination to pass on their genes.
BreehanYohe · October 11, 2009 at 11:32 am
I personally think this is a reflection of the times. We women have been inundated with media such as Sex and the City, encouraging us to break the glass ceiling, to go after what we want, to jump on that job or that hunk over there before someone else does. We are being taught that it is sexy to take charge, that men find that attractive. Women are marrying later and waiting longer than ever to have children.
The pragmatic human psyche knows that it has to adapt to survive and. Reproduction, the evolutionary reason we are here, is no exception. Perhaps in looking at this new age of aggression from an evolutionary standpoint, one would come to the conclusion that an aggressive woman who goes out and gets what she wants would be more attractive because this means she will probably be more inclined to do the same for her offspring, providing her children with all that they need and more, while at the same time aggressively protective of them when necessary.
kgerhard · October 12, 2009 at 10:22 am
First of all, I think it is wrong to generalize that women as a whole are the pickier sex. Think about all the cultural differences in relationships and marriage today, and also these cultural differences over time. Some women don’t have a choice in who they marry even today. But, speaking to our society and culture, we all know that gender roles have been shifting. Everything comes at a price- if a woman wants to make money for her family, she has to spend time away from her kids. If a woman wants to be treated equally to a man, she may have to put some of those outdated courtship rituals on the wayside. I do believe that woman and men do indeed have those deeply rooted reproductive strategies, but that they are in fact deeply rooted. Women may still be quite picky when it comes to finding a life partner (tall, handsome, funny, successful, healthy, etc.), but not necessarily when it comes to picking a ‘tonight partner’. Speed daters especially might not all be looking for a life partner- I would guess many just want that tonight partner.
Laura Freberg · October 18, 2009 at 1:08 pm
I’m really enjoying the thoughtfulness of these comments. I’m old enough to feel like today’s social landscape might as well be on the moon–so different from my own experiences. I think it’s a lot tougher out there now, and I don’t think the new pressures are making people very happy. The saddest thing I ever saw was a letter from a young woman to an advice columnist asking if it was okay to “cuddle” after having “no strings” attached sex. You know things are getting truly bizarre when cuddling becomes more intimate than sex.
hpetersen · November 3, 2009 at 9:27 pm
I think it makes sense that the woman would be more picky when they are the ones being approached. If the guy is the one that is doing the pursuing, obviously he’s interested. I think this makes women feel like they have more control in what happens. It’s up to them whether things go further or not, because they guy has already made the first move and shown that he’s into her. The girl can kind of take her time. But if the woman is the one who approaches the man, she’s more vulnerable and more willing to set her pickiness aside for pride’s sake.
I do agree with you though about the evolution of relationships in general now. There are definately two different catregories. Girls either think someone might be Mr. Right, or they go for him because he’s good enough to be Mr. Right Now. The part that seems to be most stressful for the people that I know is when they end up feeling like the guy they just wanted for a night might be worth more of their time. Then things are kind of in ambiguous territory.
mmoeinaz · November 23, 2009 at 6:28 pm
That was such an interesting article. I completely believe that there is a survival reason for women being more choosy. Men are created so that they can mass reproduce, numerous times a day with any partner. Whereas, a woman’s pregnancy takes 9 months and we can only do it at that rate. So when we choose to bear a man’s child, we need to make sure that we are willing to invest our emotions, and our time, to producing their baby.
Also, cultural norms play a large role as well. There is the tendency to expect men to seek out women. So when a woman seeks out a woman, they have social norms on the line as well so they need to prove to others, and to themselves that their decision was indeed the correct one. So that can explain why women approaching the men are more selective!
aterpenny · December 1, 2009 at 2:33 pm
I personally feel that women are pickier in their selection process of males but I also feel that men are picky as well in their selection process of women.
Regardless of the gender of a person, I think that those people that actively seek out a mate will be more romantically inclined to pursue someone they might meet. Approaching a person requires confidence, something that is vital to survival and in turn, the choice of a mate. Those that are more inclined to approach another person may have more confidence, making them feel a lot better about themselves. It is almost the same concept of wearing an outfit that you feel you look good in. People project how they feel in their demeanor and attitude on a constant basis.
Also, in order to even find a mate, a person must be willing to explore their options around them and take risks. Many times, this involves making the first move and going out on a limb to see how a potential mate might make you feel or how you may feel about them through meeting and conversing with them.
BCostanz · April 4, 2010 at 1:01 pm
I just read Dr. Freberg’s post and the comments. I found them very interesting and well-formed. I hope that I can add an equally thoughtful and interesting response.
In my psychology studies and maybe some of my own personal reading I have been taught that women are more the more selective sex. This is rooted in evolution because, as humans evolved, females have always had the mandatory 9-month burden while males have not. This alone could influence women’s decisions to be choosy with mates and just men/relationships in general.
With today’s changes we have things that have only existed for seconds on the grand timeline of human development. When such huge advances occur that quickly we are bound to have some interesting conflicts with our new world environment. We now have contraception, women in leadership, students in school longer, ample resources in the developed parts of the world, and the complicated social/cultural fallout from all of these playing different tunes to the brain at the same time. Our brain is surely adaptable but some parts are not so much, especially the behavioral parts, so this causes complicated feelings.
Another interesting perspective on this is the research mentioned in the blog. If women were the approachers then they were far less picky. This just goes to show how much norms can play a role in our behavior even if we always thought it was biological (which is what my argument was in the first place). So, in the end, females being picky probably has some biological influence and some social influence carried over from a long time ago.
I read an article a few months ago on almost this exact topic. The article is just one woman’s story but it fits right into this topic. She is a successful woman that feels she was too picky and now she thinks she should have settled a long time ago. The article was interesting as both a biographical article and as a thoughtful piece which placed some new perspectives in my mind. It was in the magazine The Atlantic at http://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2008/03/marry-him/6651/. One thing that always comes to my mind when I think of that article is a comparison between male and female reasons for not seeing someone again. Men would say things that fell into a few basic categories like looks or personality (from what I remember). Women seemed to be answering from a comprehensive dictionary on reasons to not date someone.
BreehanYohe (above) also made a good point about, for example, Sex and the City. This is one of those creations that helps to change public perception of relationships (and entertain) but maybe it is really just making things more complicated. Maybe the message would be clearer if viewers knew more about biopsych but I think that is an unreasonable expectation.
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