My adults daughters are intrigued by the notion that their mom and dad met at age 12, started dating at age 17, married at age 20, and are still really happy 46 years after their first date.
In psychology courses, we often talk about Erik Erikson, and the idea that we need to understand our personal identity before we know who might make us happy as a partner. My choice of a life partner at the ripe old age of 17 sort of flies in the face of that idea. I’m not convinced I was any wiser at 17 than the rest of my peers. So what else could be happening here?
A recent study by Bahns, Crandall, Gillath, and Preacher (2016) in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology argues that our initial reaction to prospective partners is based on perceived similarity. The authors suggest that the drive to find a similar partner might be much stronger than previously suspected by psychologists, strong enough to be potentially “hard-wired.” Partners were found to be more similar than chance on nearly every measure, and especially similar on things of importance to them.
The authors also noted that people like my husband and myself do not necessarily become more similar over time, a result that many find surprising. It is much less surprising to those of us in long-term relationships, though. We might do our best to shape our partner’s behavior (I am a trained behavior analyst after all), but I have to say it doesn’t work much (nor should it).
In the essentials, though, we are frighteningly similar. We are both tall, look enough alike to have been mistaken for siblings, have Swedish fathers, think Eddie Murphy is hilarious, have off-the-chart achievement motivation, really enjoy video games and tech, and love children and pets. Are we identical? Well no. That would be boring, right? But the differences are indeed swamped by the similarities and have always been so.
The authors seem a bit concerned about their findings. They worry that people seeking similarity might not be exposed to a diversity of thought. Well, in all fairness, being exposed to new ideas is a bit different than living with them. I’ll restrict exposing myself to diverse ideas through work relationships, friendships, and reading, okay? Some of the most contentious romantic relationships I see among my peers are those where core values and political beliefs are really different, and one person seems motivated to convert the other. Not a good plan. On those areas of difference, it’s probably wiser to recognize that changing the person you were attracted to in the first place, assuming you were successful at producing change, might actually make that person less attractive to you.
A final implication of this research is that “waiting” to be old enough to make a good decision might not improve your chances. We can probably recognize similarity about as well at age 17 as at age 27 or 37. You don’t want to pass up that special person just because of your age.
40 Comments
BrittanyNelson · February 28, 2016 at 10:35 pm
I agree with the notion that similarity is what drives attractiveness. In my personal dating history, I find that my best relationships are with those that are equally as motivated (and busy) as I am, yet also have a good sense of humor and never take things too seriously. It makes the relationship a place of comfort and security, rather than an additional workload that would come with the idea of trying to change somebody. I believe that people may change temporarily to please a partner, but at the end of the day they will have sacrificed their own happiness which does not lay a solid foundation to build a relationship upon. It really is the most logical to form relationships with people that have similar interests and ideals as you so as to make the relationship a place for personal growth and expansion, while sharing the same mentalities as someone else.
annaliseconroy · February 28, 2016 at 11:25 pm
I love that you are questioning the societal norm in this post. Many social psychologists and recent books have been promoting this idea that, “opposites attract.” Then you have the societal expectation that you go off to college, work on being an individual, and then get married after the age of 25. Together, these two “expectations” put ideas in many young adults that cause them to second guess their relationships. Many of my peers struggle in their relationships because they wonder if they are having the right kind of college experience, but who says there is one right path to success in a long term relationship? My partner and I have been in a relationship for four years, two of which have been long distance (CO to CA). I often have thoughts of doubt because of what society deems is acceptable.
Laura Freberg · February 29, 2016 at 11:24 am
I certainly don’t pretend to have answers to the “meaning of life” questions, but I always find it interesting to see what science has to say about these important issues. Thank you both for your thoughtful comments!
hannahphelps · February 29, 2016 at 5:20 pm
I so enjoyed reading about this, as I have explored the idea of similarities or differences being a determinant of successful relationships and how the longevity is affected when the relationship starts in youth. Honestly, your story with your husband and your opinion contradicts that of my parents’ and my own, previous thought. I think the most important thing between a couple is that core values are shared. All else can be different and cause no fatal problems in the success of the relationship. In that sense, I do agree with you. I think people are definitely attracted to those like themselves in all relationships – romantic or not. I also have personal experience of being in a relationship and trying to change the person to be more like myself; however, when I “succeeded”, he actually lost many of the qualities I was initially attracted to, and the relationship consequentially fell apart. On the other hand, I think the case of you and your husband may not be the norm. While people may not change from 17 to 27, etc. as much as we think, I do think much growth occurs. The chances of growing at the same rate as another in this span is so difficult, and I think many relationships developed when we are young fall apart due to this.
Christian The Magician · March 4, 2016 at 10:13 pm
I think it is so interesting that the research shows that waiting might not improve your chances. The idea of similarities between partners is even expected by the people around them.
Today I was talking to a friend and we both noted how people have thought our siblings were our partners because of “how cute we look together”. I didn’t understand why those keen observers didn’t just say that we look and act similar. It’s also weird how we look for similarities in certain aspects of character, but diversity in genes.
Laura Freberg · March 5, 2016 at 10:12 am
Hi, Christian.
I think we look for diversity in SOME genes, but not others. Immune system gene diversity is a benefit to the offspring, but this may not be the rule. Birds of a feather is so strong that marrying someone who has/will have schizophrenia doubles your risk. Obviously, schizophrenia is not contagious! But people who have tendencies towards psychosis find similar others more attractive.
I found a graph for you about rate of divorce by age, but I’m trying to figure out how to post it in a comment box. It doesn’t seem to want to cooperate, but you can find the data here: http://www.vox.com/2015/7/17/8991711/marriage-divorce-age
arklipp · March 30, 2016 at 2:09 pm
I always love hearing stories about finding someone at such a young age and growing old together. I guess it has something to do with my love for romantic novels and movies. I strongly agree with the notion that birds of a feather flock together rather than opposites attract that I always grew up hearing. It is much easier, from personal experience, to understand where your partner is coming from in an argument when the two of you think alike. Although my boyfriend and I have many different interests in hobbies, we have the same grounds in our beliefs and what we find is morally correct. This, I believe has a lot to do with the households we were raised in and I think that has a lot to do with the quality of our relationship.
hannahdavis · April 3, 2016 at 1:45 pm
I find this topic fascinating as we studied love and friendships in social psychology and social norms about age typically don’t have a huge impact on relationships. It is often confirmed that couples have more in common than they have differences and saying opposites attract isn’t really valid. If you don’t share the same morals, beliefs, and perspectives on your relationship, family, religion, and more there could be a lot of potential for disagreement and an unhappy relationship. Brehm states that the most satisfying intimate relationships possess behavioral interdependence, need fulfillment, and emotional attachment. Once the honeymoon phase wears off you need to have enough in common to keep you connected emotionally and physically. Also, thinking from the evolutionary perspective, we often feel most comfortable with people that are the most similar to us like so it would make sense that we find a partner that makes us feel safe and at home. Overall, I also agree that it is exciting and fun to have some unique differences to set people apart in a relationship.
carleykruger4 · April 3, 2016 at 8:39 pm
I was very interested in this topic because my parents knew each other in elementary school and started dating in seventh grade! Crazy, I know. I also strongly agree with the idea that waiting to be old enough to make a good decision might not improve your chances simply from the evidence of my own parents. I also have always noticed that married couples are usually very similar proving that birds of a feather really do flock together. I remember learning about this topic in my Psychology 202 class. I was surprised to learn that opposites don’t actually attract and that we seek similarity in our partners. I don’t think the authors should be worried about their findings. I actually think it is very important when couples have the same core values and political beliefs. I found this topic very interesting to read!
Chan.Jayme · April 3, 2016 at 10:01 pm
I found this post really interesting because relationships is the popular topic, especially for teenagers and young adults. From social media to personal observations, I have found that this topic is totally subjective. Some people work better with opposites and some work better with someone similar. Personally, a relationship with someone who has similar interests and values would be better for me. It would make me feel safer and comfortable regardless of age. I have noticed that people say age does not matter but at certain stages of life, it actually does. The reason for this is because in high school and college we are all divided up by specific classes and grades. But if the relationship wasn’t just set in this school setting, of course it wouldn’t matter because no one can clearly distinguish age after the school years. After school, people are not labeled distinctively as freshmen or seniors, nor twenty-three year olds or thirty year olds. Regardless, age shouldn’t matter, love is love. In addition, I also think that a few differences would be healthy in a relationship but I would take more similarities than differences; regardless of age.
estrickf · April 4, 2016 at 7:07 pm
Dr. Freberg,
This is a very important article providing data against the saying “opposites attract”. It seems to me that opposite personalities would initially be more attractive to the individual. Over time I can see how this attraction would be lost and develop more into frustration than the intriguing factor it once was. That is why the point in your article that, “our initial reaction to prospective partners is based on perceived similarity” was especially interesting to see it may be the initial factor. I think it is also important to recognize that the aspects of similarity are based on things of importance to them. I think it is crucial to find that balance of having similar interests and personalities, while not necessarily having the same attitudes.
I think that a good follow up study or article that would relate to this one would be about how perceived similarity plays a role in how close our parents are to our spouse. If I am familiar with the personality of my father, it seems inevitable to end up choosing someone similar to him, even be it subconsciously.
vimorris@calpoly.edu · April 6, 2016 at 10:04 pm
The notion that “opposites attract” has been presented to me a numerous amount of times compared to the concept that “birds of a feather flock together.” However, I would be able to point out far more similarities in values and interests between couples in the successful marriage’s I witness first hand. For someone who received the category of quality time from the Five Love Languages Test, I can imagine that a passion for the same interests would allow a relationship to flourish even more simply from the additional time that gets spent together. I’m curious to know if seeking a partner who resembles oneself will also entail that they will most likely share the same struggles and character faults. If this is so, would this effect the relationship in a more negative way as opposed to a relationship where there is a variety of challenges between the individuals? Overall what stood out to me the most was the enjoyment that came from reading the personal experience of 46 years of a very happy relationship.
Laura Freberg · April 8, 2016 at 9:16 am
I am a little concerned that so many students are telling me that they are being told in other classes or perhaps in the popular media that “opposites attract.” They absolutely do not, at least in comparison to the strength of the “birds of a feather” effect. If you don’t understand people’s inherent liking for similarity (and aversion to different), I can’t imagine how you could produce informed research and analysis of some of the resulting problems, like prejudice. So my take-away here is that we need to focus on the “birds of a feather” research perhaps a bit more thoroughly if we are to offset any misinformation that is out there.
Laura Freberg · April 8, 2016 at 9:18 am
I think it’s bonus if your partner gets along with your parents, but there are no guarantees! We adore our son-in-law, and we really like his parents, so we feel spoiled. I do not recall, however, seeing research in this area. Senior project, anyone?
Laura Freberg · April 8, 2016 at 9:21 am
I think the key point is that we look for similarities along dimensions that are important to us. So if you don’t care much about politics, it’s not important for you to find a partner who shares your political views. But for political junkies, differences are likely to be a huge problem! If cultural heritage or religion are big parts of your life, I doubt you would find it easy to have a partner with very different values in these areas. Racial and ethnic similarities might not be important to you, but oh boy, extended families can certainly hold opinions about this, and if you value positive contact with your extended family, this could really get tricky!
Laura Freberg · April 8, 2016 at 9:23 am
Most married couples start out sharing many things in common, but obviously, spending a lot of time with people makes you even more similar! I read one study that suggested we even start looking alike because we unconsciously imitate our partner’s facial expressions. So we get the same laugh lines!
Laura Freberg · April 8, 2016 at 9:25 am
I know many people who are married to others with large age gaps (my parents were 15 years apart), but personally, I would not want to go there. Cohort effects are really strong, and even if you have quite a bit in common, the cultural environment in which we mature has a big impact on us. My husband is four months older than me, so we share the collective memories of coming of age in the 60s and 70s. I’m not sure how you could really describe that to someone from another age group.
michellesandler · April 10, 2016 at 7:33 pm
This article was an interesting read! The belief that opposites attract is something that some people actually do go by, thinking that is how relationships should be. Also, the belief that there’s a certain age that is considered “too young” to date is a common belief as well. However, looking at couples in real life, I have always noticed that they are more similar than different and age is not a factor that determines the chances of one finding their significant other. My parents are a good example of this. Growing up and getting married in Russia during the Soviet Union, getting married and starting a family at an extremely young age was normal and expected of people. My parents were introduced to each other by their parents when my mom was in the second grade and my dad was in sixth. They have known each other since then and began dating in high school. They got married a week before my mom turned 18 years old and had their first child (my brother) when she was 20. 25 years later, my parents are still happily married! While they do have their differences when it comes to personality, they have similar interests and beliefs. They were raised similarly and grew up during similar time periods. I think this study on relationships should be expressed more due to the false perceptions and information people get when it comes to the topic of relationships!
Bcrowley712 · April 12, 2016 at 9:01 am
Articles about relationships and different perspectives on what makes a good relationship always sparks my interest. My fall quarter psych class rejected the notion that “opposites attract”, but in my opinion as long as the differences aren’t major and personality changing, it is good to be a little different. It is fun learning new things, and leaving your comfort zone to try new activities you never saw yourself doing before. There are so many ways to look at relationships and it is so fascinating to try to figure out psychologically what makes relationships work and what doesn’t.
Hallelujah · April 21, 2016 at 12:56 pm
I appreciated this post very much. I have been married for 9yrs and found myself recently thinking about this phenomenon. As much as my husband and I enjoy (and are even attracted to) the differences in the other, we are indeed “swamped by our similarities. Those core values, interests/ hobbies, the kind of comedy we enjoy and even the leisure activities we participate in. I do think it’s a bit silly that there is worry about this encouraging lack of diversity in relationships because as you pointed out, we are not identical to our partners and we do not grow more similar over time. I do believe that we can still grow together over time though, despite this. As I look back at the differences that my husband and I do have, I realize most of them have been around since we began dating and some of these differences have challenged our perspectives and allowed personal growth for us both. WE can be appreciative of and honor our differences (at times). After all, as far as shaping behavior goes, it can often be annoyingly frustrating to be around someone who is continually trying to change you.
Laura Freberg · April 23, 2016 at 5:58 am
Okay, call me shocked. I would never have guessed that you are old enough to be married for 9 years! Congratulations!
jaoliva@calpoly.edu · April 24, 2016 at 6:04 pm
What a great article! I find this topic very interesting and easy to relate to. I think there is this undeniable desire for us to want to share things in common with the partners we choose. Something about sharing a favorite artist or food just helps people establish a connection. I do believe that people who don’t share much in common can still have successful relationships especially if they appreciate diversity as a couple.
Makayla Riggs · April 25, 2016 at 4:52 pm
I found this very interesting and it made me smile a bit because all of the findings do seem to contradict the idea that “opposites attract”. In my own life, I have found this to be true as well. I have been with my boyfriend for almost 3 years (although nothing compared to you and your husband) and we started dating when I was only 16 and he was 18. We have stayed in a serious, happy relationship the whole time and despite my parents thinking I was too young to be in a serious relationship, everything has worked out. While it is obvious that he and I continue to grow as individuals as well as together, I don’t think that choosing to be together at 16 changed my perception of if we were similar or not. I of course agree with you that too much similarity would be boring and that it is good to have different ideas, as long as your core beliefs match up, I feel like you can make the relationship work if you really want it to work.
annahempill · May 1, 2016 at 9:00 pm
I think it is important to have a good balance of similarities and differences in relationships. For example, my parents seem to be polar opposites, especially when it comes to food or clothing styles. However, their music interests, morals, and leisure activities are very similar. I feel like when more important categories are similar, they are more important and overshadow the small differences. Opposites may attract at first, especially when someone so different from you seems to be exciting or in need of being “fixed.” However, I think that a long lasting and healthy relationship requires somewhat similar interests and morals because that can help create a strong foundation when two people value and feel the same way towards things.
victoriatonikian · May 1, 2016 at 9:53 pm
I found this extremely interesting considering that the common notion is “opposites attract”. I can see where this notion comes from, especially in the younger crowd. I think people are typically first attracted to people who are different because its seems interesting and exciting but over a longer period of time I believe that these key differences are what lead to people eventually breaking up. When it comes to the idea that similarities attract as the study suggests, I completely agree because I believe to have a strong and healthy relationship there needs to be a foundation that is built on having key beliefs. I think that marriages between people who have an array of differences and believe that these can be overcome over time are trying to fix or convert their partner and ultimately this does not work. Very interesting read!
caitlin.colladay · May 5, 2016 at 9:37 pm
I completely agree that birds of a feather flock together. For another class we had an assignment to take a personality quiz and after I took it, my best friend/roommate was interested and took it also. When we compared our personality types, there were almost the same! I think that is why we get along so well is because we have the same mentality and behaviors. We share so many things is common that can be explained by our personality. For example we are both considered introverts because we consider relaxation and fun just curled up on the couch watching a movie. As older students, we have lost the interest in over the top parties and going out every weekend. However, our other roommate still thrives on being social and going out. As a result, I don’t spend a lot of time with her and therefore am not as close to her as to my best friend. While I do agree people who are more similar get along better, I also think that it is important to have some differences to keep conversations interesting. People who are too similar might get bored faster with someone than with someone who is different.
kaylabakhshi · May 10, 2016 at 2:40 pm
Woah, this is a really refreshing idea because, in our society, all you really hear is that kids do not know what love is. But, in this case, I guess you don’t really need to know what “love” is as long as you enjoy being with the person you are with. Simultaneously, I agree with the fact that you cannot and should not change the person you fell in love with because there is a reason you fell in love with them the way that they are. However, it is somewhat scary to think that relationship may tend to succeed only if the two have a large amount of things in common. In general, these are some interesting things to think about as I go through life and keep meeting people.
bailey_arthur · May 23, 2016 at 7:33 pm
This is very interesting because I met my current boyfriend when I was 13 and we started at age 18. It was an interesting reaction when I read this because of the similar timeline and how if we dated for three years then I would be married in two more years at age 21. The last segment you put in there really struck a cord because waiting until I was 25 years old to be married was always drilled into me. Knowing that similarity really contributes to the success of a relationship depletes the validity of the social stigmas against “young” marriage. Around college age, people begin to establish themselves and create a stable version of themselves and their characteristic are more stagnant. So it seems that after you see a person’s “stable self” there’s not anymore risk of marrying them at age 21 than age 41.
clairep · May 24, 2016 at 6:35 pm
I’ve always been told by my parents to “wait until 28” to commit to a marriage, and this idea of a magic number has never made sense to me. Coming from a family where my parents are divorced, it would make sense that this concept would be pushed on me, but I believe that my parents marriage not working out was more of an issue of ignored differences than one of age. An important concept I remember from intro psych was that “birds of a feather flock together, and this post shed new light on the idea of relationships and their timing for me; it’s good to know the powerful connection that can come from a strong base of shared values — regardless of age. Thank you for sharing your story, Dr. Freberg!
lwickwir · May 29, 2016 at 7:24 pm
I completely agree with this article. The whole ‘opposites attract’ thing only applies to magnets not compatibility with organics. However, I do believe that those who are opposite of your weaknesses are compatible since that helps a couple grow. But that couple needs to be on the same page on a lot of things for this to work.
alexandrabush · May 31, 2016 at 12:27 pm
I definitely believe that couples that are very similar have a much better chance at lasting. I also believe that age does not really matter. If you have found the right person you will know. One of my very good friends has been with the same boy since 8th grade and are now married. While I don’t completely agree with her decision to marry him straight out of high school, I do believe that they are clearly meant to be together. I have always thought that they were so similar in their actions that it was almost scary. After reading this, I’ve realized that their similarities are a good thing.
maddieadie · June 2, 2016 at 9:35 am
Reading about you and your husband’s healthy relationship is inspiring! I completely agree that love is love and there should not be a hard limit on what age you find that. This does get confusing at times though, because I think sometimes people mistake their first love to be it, when often people just haven’t experienced other relationships to really know. It all depends on how happy people are together after a significant amount of time and if they can deal with conflicts in a healthy way when they come up. If there is too much fighting all the time the relationship probably has too many negative effects to stay in it. It does not surprise me that people enjoy others with more similarities than differences. I have found that many times the big differences between people in relationships often are the sources of conflict and miscommunication. Overall, I think some differences are great, but to be similar with your significant other in terms of important morals and values is beneficial.
RyanRobertson · June 2, 2016 at 4:26 pm
I’ve often wondered whether people who tend to be more similar make better life partners than those that tend to have more differences. It makes sense that those who are similar to one another would tend to be more attracted to one another, but on the flip side there is also the point of view that two people who are different ads a little more fun and spontaneity, as though they “complete each other” due to their differences so to speak. This post was very interesting to read through and cleared a lot of that up for me!
brittanymertzel · October 8, 2016 at 3:57 pm
Dr. Freberg, I love that you shared about your personal relationship with your husband. What a story to tell, that you met each other when you were 12 and got married by age 20. I really enjoyed reading your second to last paragraph about the authors findings of concern for the lack of difference in a romantic relationship. I 100% agree with your point of view, yes, we all need to be exposed to differences in thought as a human species, however we shouldn’t try to marry someone that has a total different set of values than you. With someone you are going to potentially marry and be with for the rest of your life, you have to have someone that you can be yourself with and understand each other, which would be very hard with diverse lifestyles. As for your final paragraph, I do believe that you will find the person you are meant to be with regardless of age. Whether you are 18 or 30 and getting married, it really is a personal experience and should not be negatively influenced by public stats because it can work out either way, with your story being an example of that!
Charlene Niku · November 7, 2016 at 11:57 am
The first sentence of this article got me hooked! I think it’s amazing that a couple that has been married for 46 years knew each other at age 12 and started dating at 17. I don’t hear stories like this often. I also loved how there was a piece of advice at the end – we shouldn’t postpone love just because of age. Throughout my life, I’ve heard “opposites attract” and “birds of a feather flock together,” and the older I get, the more I realize that the latter is true. People often see differences as negative, which isn’t always necessarily true, but similarities are more often than not positives in relationships – whether romantic or not. Although I have not found my life partner, from my observations of dating and married couples, it really does help to have similarities. I think differences can also be very valuable, but the phrase that opposites attract can be misleading. I also found it particularly interesting that young people have better judgement than the general public usually thinks, when it comes to love. Although I do think that being closer in age for two people in a relationship is beneficial in many cases, the age of a person should not be a determining factor in deciding if a partner is for life or not.
gmli · November 25, 2016 at 4:45 pm
It is heartwarming to hear that you and your husband have been together for so long!
My partner and I have been together for nearly a year, and I found that we have different characteristics but similar personalities. We have come from different backgrounds and childhood experiences, but have shared similar experiences in college. I believe one of the ways to create a strong relationship is the desire to commit, so what degrees of similarities and differences are allowed for a relationship to work?
LaurenTaylor · November 30, 2016 at 10:19 am
I definitely believe in the birds of a feather flock together phenomenon. When I was told the idea of opposites attracting, I never really understood how that could be so. It makes much more sense that similarities attract. Especially when referring to friendships, I would much rather be friends with someone who is similar to me. Friends that like to do the same things (sports, hiking, shopping) definitely get along better and have stronger friendships. The same goes with relationships, it is hard to be so different and not like to do the same things. For example, if the woman really liked to go out and have a good time, and the man did not like to. That controversy would probably create some conflict between the two. In my most successful relationship, we had a very similar personality and got along really well. This made our relationship very smooth.
Amy Edelstein · May 7, 2017 at 3:49 pm
This post was so inspiring to read, and I enjoyed learning a bit about you and your husband’s healthy relationship. I truly believe that age is simply a number, and if you found the one you love at the age of 17 or at the age of 47, then that connection made in both situations is the same beautiful bond. Love is love, and a number cannot define who we choose to commit to nor when we decide to commit to them. However, I do believe that some (not all) young people mistake their first love as their only love. Some people fall in love with their first boyfriend or girlfriend are absolutely convinced that this person is their soulmate. While this is true at times, it may stop others from exploring the many options that are waiting for them behind the closed doors. As my mother likes to say “there are many fish in the sea”, and our first love is not always our forever love. Our first love can be magical and exciting, but it is not the everlasting spark that we all wish for. Furthermore, as specifically discussed in this post, it is more common for those who are similar (physically, intellectuality, and emotionally) to begin a relationship. This is a thought that I constantly have on my mind. Am I attracted to that blonde boy because I am blonde? Am I attracted to the boy who likes kids because I like kids, too? We are raised to think that “opposites attract”, but that is not necessarily always the case. As I am learning more and more about the wonders of love, I am realizing that we are attracted to a mixture of similarities and differences portrayed in our partner.
emilyknighton · December 1, 2017 at 1:26 am
I like your stance on this topic! I also think it is so sweet that you and your husband are still so happy together. My parents met in high school so they’ve always been known to my sister and me as “high school sweethearts.” At first it gave me a realistic idea of what I was supposed to be able to find in terms of life partnership, and by when. I’d never seen it done any other way, after all. I think I spent a lot of my childhood wondering where on earth you would even find people to date once you’d finished school. Of course I grew out of that expectation for myself over time. Although, completely by coincidence, my sister and I are currently both dating people we’ve known since high school too. (Granted, my boyfriend and I didn’t start dating until we each had gone our separate ways for college, but that’s beside the point). Who knows how long we’ll each stay in our current relationships, but it is interesting to think about history repeating itself a bit. I heard once that most people have met their future spouses by the time they’re 20 or something like that, even if they’re not dating yet, but who knows what kind of truth that factoid holds.
I started reading a book by the comedian Aziz Ansari called “Modern Romance,” and he actually conducted a study with the help of some professionals that investigated how relationships in previous generations compare to those now that are within the era of smart phones and dating apps. He makes note of how drastically different our means of communication are, for one, and his study makes some intricate observations about why and how our dating behavior is the way it is currently. No doubt it’ll keep changing as technology continues to advance, and as our species continues to both struggle and thrive with all of the tech we’ve decided (was it really a choice though?) to integrate so wholly into our lives. Aziz Ansari’s take on the whole thing is amazingly thorough in terms of research, and is unsurprisingly hilarious because he’s just great. I wonder what your thoughts would be on the book as a psychologist with so much experience in studying behavior, and considering your own relationship experience!
monjazeb · March 5, 2018 at 10:26 am
I completely agree with the idea that similarities among important topics and ideas that shape who we are determine the strength of a relationship, but also that differences can still persist within that relationship. Personally, I would never change my beliefs because the person I am dating has different views, which is why it is important to have similarities among dimensions that are important to us, but it is also understandable to have small differences that make us who we are.