Thirty-four years of marriage….

It surprises me greatly to wake up this morning on my 34th wedding anniversary. It took me a long time to be 34 years old, let alone be married that many years.

One of my daughters had a poster in her dorm room of the ten steps to happiness. Step One is “marry the right person.” Of course, the next question is how do we manage to do that?

Psychologists have spent a lot of time studying relationships, which is quite possibly one of the more useful things we do. In many respects, my husband and I followed the “rules.” In contrast to the notion that “opposites attract,” a large body of research suggests otherwise. People tend to marry others who are similar in race, ethnicity, religion, values, education, and age [1, 2]. Roger and I share Swedish fathers, Protestant religion, most political and “character” values, and we’re 4 months apart in age. We grew up in the rather homogeneous little town of San Marino, California, where if you only got a bachelor’s degree, well, we’ll try and hide that shame from the neighbors.

Of course, there is the ever-present issue of physical attractiveness. Here, I have no credibility with my three daughters if I try to make the argument that one should not be blinded by how handsome a man is. Roger was and remains the most handsome man I know.

Evolutionary psychologists argue that men use humor to impress women, so if she laughs at his jokes, that’s a good sign [3]. That one fits, too. Only yesterday, I chided Roger for saying things when we’re out together in public that make me laugh really loudly (guffaw, I suspect, is the correct word), which makes others turn to stare at me.

There is always some luck involved. How would Roger have known that the PERFECT first date for me was to be taken to the 1969 USC-UCLA football game? A lot of girls would probably hate that. How would I know that Roger is absolutely repelled by stupidity, and that he would become my biggest cheerleader in following my academic career? Many women are tempted to “tone down” their smarts for fear of ruining their social lives.

Now if you want to give me credit for making a superb decision at the ripe old age of 17 (yes, we were high school sweethearts, and I just assumed after our first date that we would marry), go right ahead. However, probably the best thing I did was heed the advice of Sigmund Freud (about whom I had heard very little at that age):

“When making a decision of minor importance, I have always found it advantageous to consider all the pros and cons. In vital matters, however, such as the choice of a mate or a profession, the decision should come from the unconscious, from somewhere within ourselves. In the important decisions of personal life, we should be governed, I think, by the deep inner needs of our nature.”

Happy Anniversary, Roger! Now I’ll go over to your blog and see what you wrote about me!

[1] Buss, D.M. (1985). Human mate selection. American Scientist, 73, 47-51.

[2] Kandel, D.B. (1978). Similarity in real-life adolescent friendship pairs. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 36, 306-312.

[3] Bressler, E.R., & Balshine, S. (2006). Laughter paves the way for romance. Evolution and Human Behavior, 27, 29-39.